Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
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Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Well, this explains it:
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.