New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
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Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
barbara was highly relatable
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Current mood: Potato
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.