[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
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The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
This is the best one I’ve seen
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
*exercises sarcastically*
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.