8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
You Might Also Like
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!