Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
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Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies