Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
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i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
This week’s mood.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages