me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
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I have two kinds of followers
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag