Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
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I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless