my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
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I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
The struggle is real
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger: