A double negative is a big no-no.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.