My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
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“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Worth the read.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Passwords are more important than ever.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels