what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.