“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
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Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.