Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
You Might Also Like
We’ve all been there…
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people