This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?