I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
You Might Also Like
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I bet
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
*exercises sarcastically*
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about