Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
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Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”