“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
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*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Me, reading some of your tweets
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
im all 3
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*