therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
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I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Flowers bee like
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend