(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Nose
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet