4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
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My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.