Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.