picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
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I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.