When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
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The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*looks at you in batman voice*
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling