i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
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wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.