Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
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People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.