Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
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I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
when mom throws a party…
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses