We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
“Huge”.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.