The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
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me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.