My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
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Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed