If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
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I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out