“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
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Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”