If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
You Might Also Like
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.