That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
🤣🤣
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!