Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Our lord and savoury.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?