Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
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[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?