My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
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Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.