My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.