I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
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Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…