Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
@funTweeters I am at your service….
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!