“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector