[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.