waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
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Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors