it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
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COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect