People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
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7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Perfection.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
RT if you could go either way.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”