Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
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I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it