Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
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* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
selfie game
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Very good! 👍😂