[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
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Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window