As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.