My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.